one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
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