but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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