masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
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Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
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There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
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