apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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