You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
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I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
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3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize