note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
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He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
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i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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