You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
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We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
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Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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