i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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