She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize