i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
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I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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