ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
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you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
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