I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
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After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
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When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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