you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize