He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
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I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
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Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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