I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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