i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
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