I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize