Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize