i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
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You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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