I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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