I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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