she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
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everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
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I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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