It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
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She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
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I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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