I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
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careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
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he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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