I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
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It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
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That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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