He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
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I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
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I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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