it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
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i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
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