At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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