woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
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i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
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I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
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