but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
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She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
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Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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