I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
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In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
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I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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