Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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