He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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