Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
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You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
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When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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