If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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