Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
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Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
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We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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