It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
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