You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
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I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
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I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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