Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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