Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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