So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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