I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
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Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
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i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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