Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
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He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
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I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
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