I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
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Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
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We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize