He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
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My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
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Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
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