Redeem this text for a blowjob
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
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His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
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Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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