She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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