You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
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