I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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