He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
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Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
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its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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